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Developed by Terri DiMatteo, LPC, creator of The Intimacy Bond™, this assessment examines the elements of a protective bond: empathy (the prerequisite); comfort (co-regulation), the function; the two co-equal strands of emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy; and protection, the outcome.
These aren't just nice-to-haves. They are what a bond needs to help two people feel loved, desired, and protected. When both strands are engaged, they feed each other and the bond grows stronger. When either strand is chronically neglected, the bond becomes more vulnerable to distance and disconnection.
H O W TO USE THIS ASSESSMENT
To truly understand the deeper elements of your relationship, answer these questions from your perspective of the bond you share:
Once completed, add up your numbers. Where are you strong? Where do you need care?
These signals are often where the growth begins.
H O W I T W O R K S
You can read through the full assessment right here on this page to get a feel for it. To actually take it, you'll want to download your own copy. The check-in is designed to be completed slowly and privately, with a pen or pencil in hand, somewhere you feel comfortable. Most individuals find it helpful to complete the assessment on their own first, taking time to reflect personally. If you are completing it as a couple, you can each fill out your own copy privately and then come together to compare notes and discuss what you notice. This way, both solo reflection and shared understanding are supported.
You'll move through the five parts of The Intimacy Bond, one at a time. Before each part, you'll read a short idea, then answer a few questions using this scale:
1 – Not really
2 – A little
3 – Sometimes
4 – Often
5 – Yes, definitely
On your downloaded copy, circle the number that fits best for each statement, then add them all up at the very end to find where your bond stands today.
DOWNLOAD THE ASSESSMENT
A printable PDF you can complete by hand, at your own pace.
When both partners feel absolutely confident that they are deeply loved and truly desired, their bond becomes durable protection.
That is the power of The Intimacy Bond.
_______________________________________
The Prerequisite — Where It All Begins
Everything starts here. Before communication, before romance, before repair, love asks one quiet question — can you feel what your partner feels? Empathy is the capacity to sense another person's inner world and be moved to care. It is the ground the whole bond is built on. Without it, nothing else can fully hold. With it, everything becomes possible.
My partner really gets what I'm feeling — not just what I'm saying.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
When I'm having a hard time, I feel like my partner is genuinely on my side.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
I can feel what my partner is going through, and I want to respond with care.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
We can talk about things that matter without one of us shutting down.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
I trust that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
The Function — The Engine of the Bond
A strong bond runs on a simple, powerful cycle. One of you is hurting. The other notices the distress and reaches out with comfort and reassurance. And the hurting one can let that comfort in. This is co-regulation: the reciprocal back-and-forth that is the bond's working function. Every time it turns, you both experience the same quiet truth: I'm not alone in my pain. Partners serve as a buffer to pain.
When I'm upset, my partner helps me settle rather than making things worse.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
I can tell when my partner is struggling, and I move toward them.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
When my partner reaches out to comfort me, I can allow their comfort to soothe me.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
We know how to soothe each other when the world gets heavy.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
After conflict, we find our way back to safety together.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
The First Strand — Being Truly Known
The bond is woven from two co-equal strands. The first is emotional intimacy — the feeling of being truly known. Not just living alongside someone, but being seen, understood, and emotionally met. It signals to your whole nervous system that this is a safe place to be seen, soothed, and settled: you can relax here.
We share what's really going on inside — not just schedules and to-do lists.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
Emotional closeness helps me feel safe and secure with my partner.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
After a rough patch, we find our way back to feeling close again.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
I feel comfortable being vulnerable with my partner.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
My partner knows what brings me joy and what breaks my heart.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
The Second Strand — The Lover's Closeness
The second strand is sexual intimacy — lover-specific desire, touch, and the bodily expression of being desired by your partner. This is not a bonus or an afterthought. In the Intimacy Bond, it is co-equal with emotional intimacy — a language of its own that carries the message of being chosen: I don't just love you… I want you. Feeling desired is part of feeling certain.
I feel wanted and desired by my partner.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
Affection and physical closeness help me feel connected.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
Touch or intimacy helps us reconnect after distance or tension.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
We have ways to show desire that feel natural to both of us.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
Physical intimacy is something I look forward to with my partner.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
The Outcome — When the Strands Come Together
Here is the heart of it. When both strands are engaged, they feed each other — emotional intimacy deepens desire, and desire deepens emotional openness. And when both are working, the bond becomes what it was always meant to be: a protection. A reliable refuge you turn toward when life is hard, where distress is not carried alone, and you feel both deeply loved and truly desired at the same time. That is a bond that endures.
Emotional closeness and physical closeness feed each other for us.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
When life gets hard, we face it together rather than alone.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
This relationship is a place I turn toward when I'm struggling — not away from.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
I feel protected and held by this bond.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
Our connection has grown stronger through the challenges we've faced.
1 _____ 2 _____ 3 _____ 4 _____ 5 _____
- SCORING -
Add up all twenty-five of your numbers. Your total will land somewhere between 25 and 125.
There's no "good" or "bad" score here, only a clearer picture of where your
bond feels strong and where it's quietly asking for care.
101 – 125
A Strong, Protective Bond
Your bond is durable and doing its job. You feel loved, desired, and safe — and you turn toward each
other when it counts. Keep tending it; a strong bond stays strong through
the small, everyday moments of closeness.
76 – 100
A Warm, Growing Bond
There is real love here, with a few tender spots. Your bond is working — it simply wants a little more
attention in certain places. Look back at the sections where your numbers were
lowest; those are not alarms, they are gentle invitations.
51 – 75
A Bond That's Asking for Care
Some of the connection feels strained or uneven right now. That is not a verdict — it is a signal, and signals can
be answered. Bonds move through seasons. With warmth, honesty,
and a little intention, this is very workable.
25 – 50
A Bond That Needs Tending
Things feel distant or hard at the moment, and that is painful to carry. Be kind to yourself. A low score does
not mean the bond is broken — often it means it has simply been running on empty. This is exactly the kind
of moment when the right support can help you find your way back to each other.
Wherever your bond stands today, it can grow. Bonds are built — one caring moment,
one small turn toward each other, at a time. If you'd like a companion on the way,
that's the work I do with couples every day
Download the Assessment
DISCLAIMER: The Intimacy Bond™ Assessment is a casual, self-guided educational tool offered for reflection only. It is not a clinical or diagnostic instrument, not a formal assessment, and not a substitute for professional therapy. Your score is an informal snapshot to spark insight and conversation — not a diagnosis or a definitive judgment about your relationship. Completing or downloading this assessment does not create a therapist–client relationship with Terri DiMatteo, LPC, or Open Door Therapy. If you are in significant distress or have any concern about your safety, please reach out to a licensed professional or, in the U.S., call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency. The Intimacy Bond™ is a proprietary clinical framework created by Terri DiMatteo, LPC, licensed in New Jersey.
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